2012

it's a tiring day yet i figured that i have alot of things to say about this year as i was sitting in in the office cadding my day away.

it certainly not a year of achievements. i can't think of any. "when life gives you lemon, make lemonade" perhaps this is a year of personal growth

in the process of adapting myself to the 'new life', i have been struggling to find stability in life, stable shelter, stable income, stable source of love and care, stable improvement at what i do for living, or even stable past times. the inner side of me wish they could be lasting, stable and permanent. as time passed, now that it's end of the year, i could safely say the struggle of the year did not bring me fruitful result. perhaps it's just not someone of my age should seek for. ha. instead of searching for stability, i turned to learn to embrace change, impermanence more than ever. i had been trained to accept failures, rejections, or simply bad luck more readily. it put me in the perspective that a lot of things are ephemeral in life, mainly job or people i put my hope in.

on the bright side, i am more daring in negotiating what i want simply because i could not let things change just because they are impermanent. because no one else can do that for me except myself. and because i think have done enough to compromise.

and i am more positive than i used to be. positivity did not come close until one day i realized what is the point of being upset when things will turn out right in the end. ha. even at the bad times,  i could say to self "who else doesn't have a problem?" now. even in the disappointing moments, i still believe if i work abit harder i am making a small step forward each day despite the fact that there are other things are out of my control.

to my closer ones, in view of the mindset change, i am sorry to inform that i am (naturally) more prone to conflict than ever. i used to try hard to compromise to avoid conflict. i put people before myself. yet in the many events of the year, i come to realize that it's not the way to go. i lost control of the situation and things go out of the way. ha. it reminds me of my european friend once asked me in wonders "why you asians always try to avoid conflict?"  i have no idea. conflict means more like a bad thing than a good thing. but when there's no conflict, there's no change!

i have slowly honed my multitasking skill in life: things i want to do (or do well) and the emotions that come with it. i am better in managing the expectation and the disappointment that comes along.  compare to thesis year, i generally have less fear of failing, which is a really good change. as i said,  i accept things are ephemeral. however, eliminating expectations is not entirely great. having faith in someone now sometimes seems like a risk to take. this is not to say i do not trust people, i still have alot of faith in people whom i alot of times i just naturally trust, yet, i do not do it wholeheartedly now. maybe it's just a change of the kampong girl mindset bah.

despite the changes, i am still a believer in genuinity in words and action. and it encompasses the rejection i do the conflict i raise. i allow for more disagreement dislikes from others. i try to put myself before others. trust myself than entrusting myself to others. ha. i learn the 'self-centred' way the hard way

what i say here encompasses almost all aspect of life. yeah i like to generalize things. it is just easier for me for making sense of things. haha

i wish for more accomplishments and happy moments next year. i believe this is not a year i have just wasted=) time will tell