post final draft

This is a blog with low maintenence. sorry for the non-regular updates. i am not good at updating my life or my recent happenings on a regular basis because i just dont feel i'm bound to do this..except at some moments i feel an urge to write. sorry for the craps or craps with grammatical error. it's really not my language, i simply don't notice the mistakes or the misunderstanding i can bring upon by using it this way/tat way.
dissertation has somehow stopped for a week. i know it shouldn't stop. when i look back what i have done, i always could not believe what i have written, my confidence only kept falling. and , i haven't had the courage to look it back again, i meant physically. i guess i need someone to help me, my language mistakes and things i overlooked, the limits of my perspective..but then looking for someone also takes courage. it takes courage to acknowledge one's inability, insensitivity, talentlessness..i am okay. but i'm just at the moment wondering if i am talented enough to do this..and then keep going, until the end of thesis. this is the often mulling-over, lagging behind moments happen throughout these years in this field, they are meaningless self-doubt..in the end, always, i could just stick to this and keep going.
does thinking deeper brings you more freedom..or the other way does. sometimes i'm thinking who cares what consumerism does to you. if you feel the the freedom then it would be real. but goods are meant to impel for greater 'needs' in you, even if they weren't exist before. if the kind of 'control' makes you happy, why would one not feeling the freedom? am i being too demanding in this consumer society and asking for freedom that is actually non-existent..i'm talking about my work. but if one could find the freedom in life? what would it be? regardless of what the rest of the world believes in, hold on to what you believe in? what about the controls that are prevalent..esp in singapore. where someone from the tv news 'd like to stop others take tuition so to avoid her son lagging behind. the kiasuness and the attitude to control others are both scary. i gonna sleep. hoping for a better and productive day tmr..